"Typical"

If you really know me, you know I don't have much of a social life.  I eat, sleep and breathe media, 24/7 ... which leaves me little time to hit the Singles scene.

So, with some reservation, I delved back into the world of online dating.  *Sigh*

Now I have been on and off dating sites for about a decade now.  At different times in life I would sign up to sites or return to previous sites and see what's out there ... most times just to see if anything has changed -- and usually finding out it hasn't.  

Still, after yet another failed attempt to date the "normal" way, I return to a previously-used dating site to try once again.

Now I have been told in the real world that I need to stop being so picky and step outside my comfort zone and give men a chance ... even if they don't fit the mold of who I'd normally date. 

I've tried this before, only to regret it, but I do my best to give everyone a fair shot (until they prove unworthy).   Sometimes I will date outside of preferred age range, date men in professions I would normally steer away from, or date men in situations I would normally not. 

This happens a lot on these online dating sites.  They usually pair you up with people they consider ideal matches ... and usually they're way off from who you would chose in the real world, but I decided to check the "matches" out anyway -- ignoring my first impression (something I normally don't do).

During my browsing one day, I came across this one guy who wasn't my "type" but was a supposed match and I clicked on his profile to read it. 

He wasn't my type because he was a lot more fair-skinned (or light-skinned) that I'm usually attracted to, and shorter than I'd normally like ... but if the site said we may have some things in common, why not give it a shot right?

I threw caution to the wind and messaged him. 

He didn't say much on his profile but did mention that he was a big fan of R&B and Hip Hop music (as am I).  He also said that if you had any questions about him, ask away. 

A lot of guys on these sites complain about getting the standard "Hi" or for women to look but not speak, so I figured I'd break the ice and ask him something.


So I messaged him: "Who's your favorite rapper of all time?" 


I work in the industry (indie) and I'm sort of a music snob.  I know it's wrong but I judge people by their musical tastes lol.  Not in a bad way, but what you listen to says a lot about you ... so if you tell me you're an avid hip hop fan and you can't even identify hip hop legends' biggest hits -- I will be giving you the sideeye.

Now this guy was in his 30s and looked so put-together and preppy, so I was eager to find out who he would choose so I could learn a little about him via that choice.


A day or so later I got a reply:

 

Him: "Seriously?"

 

Me: (confused by the reply) "Yeah"

 

Him: "Typical"

Wait -- Huh? WTH?

I paused for a minute thinking "Well you asked me to ask you what I wanted to know.  This was an icebreaker.  What's with the 'tude?" 


Before I could send back a reply, he sent another message, finally answering my question: "Tupac"

But by then I was already over it ... and him. 


Like seriously, how dare you get flip at me? Maybe I should've just said "HI" like everyone else? 

Or maybe I should've just went with my first mind and not even contacted someone who wasn't my type. 


Catch 22 ... Damned if you do, damned if you don't.


Tupac though?

Now that's typical.




 

"Men Are Like Cabs"

With so many of my friends and acquaintances jumping the broom or getting engaged, a lot of questions about life and relationships are coming up. 

Though I’m happy for most that they’re starting a new life with someone they truly seem to love, with others there’s a big fat question mark after statements like: “I thought he said he wasn’t interested in anything serious.” 

Or .once you see that “She said Yes” photo of a glowing diamond you wonder (as you pore over lustful inbox messages from the very same man who is now professing his love for his bride-to-be): "Did he just wake up and decide – I want to get married now … Then reach for the closest compatible mate (or the one who’ll put up with his shenanigans without much resistance)?"

  

It leaves me thinking that old saying “You can’t turn a whore into a housewife” has no merit when the whore is a man. 

Seriously, what provokes you to be in the mood for a tryst one night and engaged the next?

How can you, while this woman is wearing your ring, truly believe you’re husband material when you’re propositioning other women?  FOH!

As more engagement announcements pop up on my Facebook news feed and in my e-mail inbox, these questions linger. 

As I said, some are just a no-brainer.  A guy has left his man-whore ways behind and truly found someone he loves … but others are just an enigma.  

No rhyme or reason for wanting to walk down the aisle other than feeling like it’s time and there’s someone in your past or present halfway worth giving your last name (especially since all her kids have it).

Just days after seeing yet another wedding announcement I was watching Sex and The City reruns … and the same topic came up in an episode called “The Big Time”.

It was the one where Carrie runs into Big on that boat, Samantha thought she was going through menopause and Charlotte ended up proposing to Trey via mere suggestion that they get married and him replying “Alrighty”. 

Anywho – In the episode, there was a scene in the bathroom of a restaurant (or club) where Miranda starts a conversation with: “Men are Like Cabs” … and the scene really hit home.  It answered some of my questions in such witty way that only the cynical Miranda could:

Miranda (or the person who wrote for her) is a frickin’ genius!  This explains SO MUCH!

Men ARE like cabs sometimes – hell, most times! 

But instead of telling you that you’re not what they want at the time, they fake you out by leaving their light on and pretending they're going to pull over.  Or worse, they drive past you and picking up a more attractive fare. 

Other times, it’s just like she said, they just ride around until they feel like flicking it on and when they see someone they like (though they wasted time and opportunity passing dozens that were wife material) it’s like -- BAM, you there – let’s commit, get in.  

[And then wonder later why it doesn’t work out (*roll eyes*)]

It’s all about timing, Miranda says.  Which I believe is somewhat true. 

I told a guy friend the other day that sometimes (especially at a certain point in life), you’re basically waiting on the right timing.

You have to meet a person who has the same needs at the same time in life to find a compatible mate.   

Age really has nothing to do with it, but your stage of life (career, kids, etc) and your needs (financial, emotional, spiritual) does. 

Some people may still be in that whore stage in life or that selfish stage and though you’re attracted, they don’t make a good life mate for you at that time.   

I know there are times when I had a good man in my life but I wasn’t able to be a good woman for him.  And by the time I got it together, they were attached or married so I left it alone. 

Most men on the other hand don’t go back to the good girls of their dating past to see if maybe there’s something there now that he’s in his right mind … they just flick the light on and choose the next desirable passenger in the present.

Miranda’s theory has stuck with me ever since I saw the episode. 

I’ve done a lot of flirting, dating and mating in my time.  And now as a single (of more years than I'd like to admit), I try to give everyone a chance because you just never know.  So I guess my light IS always on (lol) … just not for what most of them are trying to pick up! :-/ 

As I converse with guys, I learn that some of them are relationship worthy and some are just NOT.  So I can understand exploring options and waiting for the right time and the right sign.  You don’t want to waste your radiant light on someone who’s dim.

But many who are worthy will drop that “I’m not looking for anything serious” jive and just MONTHS later I’m seeing another marital status change from this very same dude who was soooo anxious about commitment. So either he was a liar, or I was busy the day he turned his light on. 

"Men Are Like Cabs" … The concept is just as liberating as “He’sJust Not That Into You”.  

Both explain frequent mixed signals that single women get from pseudo-single men.  

Now I just have to hope for the right timing.  I’m hoping one day to look up and find my cabbie at the curb, with a light shining as bright as my own. ;-) 

A Traveler's Tale

I recently took a trip to Dallas to visit a homegirl of mine for a few days (and to get out of my hometown).  As I did the last time I visited her, I took the train.  Because we have no Amtrak station where I live (Shreveport, LA), I had to hop a shuttle at our regional airport and ride to East Texas (about an hour away) to catch the train.

While waiting on the shuttle a guy came over to where I was sitting and just lingered around a bit, then sauntered over to the other side of the airport (away from me).  After about ten minutes he returned to my sitting area, and minutes later he looked over at me and hit me with the "Don't I know you from somewhere?"

Now I've been in event promotions and arts/entertainment half of my life, so a lot of people "know me". Unfortunately I'm horrible with names, but his face looked familiar -- I just couldn't figure out if he was someone I used to know, or someone I would rather forget.

Anyway, he strikes up a conversation and we try to place where we know each other ... School? No, he grew up in the "country" ... Did you date someone I know? Nope, he didn't date Shreveport girls really ...  We kept trying but to no avail, and just chalked it up to us having vaguely familiar faces.

After a while, he finally sat next to me and we chatted a bit more until our shuttle arrived.  As we got assembled to board, he motioned for me to get in line first, and although he didn't help me with my bag, he did assist a disabled lady with hers and helped her to her seat -- which got him a brownie point.  The bus was barely half full so he sat in the back and I sat in the front, and we didn't chat during the ride to the train station.

Once we got to the station, the chatting resumed, especially when we found out our train would be delayed an hour or more.  The small waiting room was too crowded for me, so I decided to brave the cold (with my blanket wrapped around me) and sit outside.  Out there, I chatted up some other travelers, including a woman headed to California and a silver-haired man who I just know was the bees knees back in his day.

After about 30 minutes outside, my chatty buddy came out there and made a bee-line to where I was.  He'd walked up the street to a corner store and announced (very proudly) that he had a margarita (the raspberry Bud Light Lime kind) --- and it was only 9 am.  In his hands was a Gatorade and a half-eaten bag of flamin' hot Cheetos.

Our chatting resumed yet again and covered everything from a sugar-content comparison between my Hawaiian Punch and his Gatorade, to our college days ... and eventually during this lengthy convo (which the woman headed to Cali joined when she returned from warming up inside) he revealed more about himself.

He said attended Southern University in Baton Rouge, majored in Pre-Med, but now works for some contracting company so he can have more reasonable hours. At first he only mentioned one child, a daughter, but in talking to the Cali-bound woman he said he had two daughters.  He also said, when we talked about cooking habits, that he was single.  He told us he was heading to Arlington and would be going back home the next day.  He said he took the train because his truck was a gas guzzler.  He talked ... a LOT.  Lol.

He never asked about me. Things just got revealed as he revealed.  He never asked for my information ... but he did sit out in the cold for 45 mins with me.  I take that as a "She's pretty cool" (literally lol).

When our train finally arrived, he sat a couple rows behind me.  I could hear him making calls and I knew one of them was to a woman by how the tone of his voice changed.  I didn't think anything of it though.

During our nearly 3-hour train ride to the DFW, he passed by and smiled and made comments but never sat down or anything.  I ended up falling asleep before we arrived.

When we got to Dallas, he was off the train so quick I didn't even get to say goodbye.  In the area where we collected our bags, I caught a glimpse of him and he looked right at me but said nothing -- acting like we didn't even converse at all.  I just took it as him being ready to go (because he'd seemed impatient at the other station).  And we went our separate ways.

Later that night, at my friend's house, I decided to look him up on social media since we didn't exchange info.  I found a Facebook page.

When I pulled up the profile ... What do I see?

His marital status: In A Relationship (Since 2012)

His girlfriend was tagged in the Marital Status as well.

And where does she live?

Arlington, TX

Seriously?

You ain't gotta lie CRAIG!!! 

I was just some chick you claim you might know that you chatted up during travel ... why lie and say you're Single?

It finally dawned on me that the reason he was acting funny when we arrived is because she was probably the one who picked him up.  Had to put on a front I guess.

(Shrug) 

Ah well, hope he had as much fun on his trip as I did on mine :)

The Interracial Divide

I was asked (yet again) today if I dated White men.  I don’t know why people, who aren’t White, ask me that … but it seems to be a general question when the subject of dating comes up with anyone trying to figure out why I’m single.

I remember a while (probably some years) ago, my mom and I were talking about my dating situation.  She’d finally stopped asking if there was a man in my life after I’d shared some of my dating horror stories.

 

On this particular day she   was expressing that maybe I should start dating outside the box – older men, non-professionals, etc … and then she hit me with “You ever thought about dating a White man?”. 

Of course I have, but it’s just a strange suggestion coming from someone is clearly “old-school” (born in the 40s) and often has many crude things to say about Whites … but I guess when it comes to trying to get your 30-something-and-still-single daughter down the aisle – the rules of racial loyalty no longer apply.

I have never said I wouldn’t date outside my race.  I went to private and magnet schools and had far more non-Black boys in my class, pretty much all the way up to high school … but my preference has always been my brown-skinned brothers. 

Of course I had crushes – like the cute blue-eyed Nick in elementary school and the dark-haired, muscular Tom in middle school … and even now, if Channing Tatum or David Beckham (yes, I know they’re married) gave me a second glance, I’d at least cop a feel lol.  But in the greater scheme of things – I want what I want … I prefer brothas.  That probably has to do with the fact that I have yet to meet a non-Black man I connect with.    

I went out on a few dates with an Italian guy who cooked me authentic cuisine on our 2^nd date … but the weird part was that he was trying so hard to prove his ethnicity (and by that I mean his being “down” with Black people) that I couldn’t get to know HIM.  I think it was that textbook I-grew-up-around-Blacks-so-that’s-what-I-know syndrome, but it was such a turn-off so I had to let him go.

Another military guy, who was Puerto-Rican, and I had a few dates as well but it was more physical than anything.  I don’t think we had much in common beyond that.  

There have also been (on the many dating sites I’ve frequented) a plethora of non-Black men (mostly older … like WAY older) who’s attention I caught.  Most times, after he confirmed that I was okay with dating a non-Black man, we conversed and often times he made that kiss-of-death statement “I’ve always wanted to date a Black woman”.   (Sigh)

Now there are some who ONLY date Black women and others who have no preference and are open … but when I hear “I’ve always wanted to …” or “I’ve always been curious” or some other inference to the desire to test the taboo waters.  Then I immediately start feeling like some plantation fantasy and am turned off. 

I don’t want to be some novelty or social experiment in an interracial fantasy.  Some say Black women have programmed DNA from our ancestral slaves to be loyal to the Black man and fear the White man.  I don’t know if that’s the case. 

I don’t favor every Black man, just the ones I’m attracted to – and the same goes for non-Black men.  I like what I like.  But I will say that I’m more picky when a man is not Black, because of all that comes with it --- respecting not only differences in personality but differences in culture and being able to face (together) what society may throw at us (and even our future kids). 

I want a man like my father – a strong Black man.  But if I find someone I’m attracted to, who is a man of faith and strong in worth ethic, personality and supports and cares for me … I don’t care what his ethnic background is …

I also think part of the reason I haven’t dated many non-Black men may be my location.  I’m along the Bible Belt and a state within the “Old” South.  Most Black men date all races, but White men and Black women – not so much.  Where I am it’s much more common to see a non-Black Woman and Black Man than the reverse combination.  It’s still sort of taboo in some areas but not uncommon to see.  

I’ve never been approached, in person, by a White guy ever.  Yes, a drunken cat-call on Bourbon Street during a visit to New Orleans, but not a real deal “What’s up, I’m interested in you” approach.  

The ones that were interested were online connections.  I don’t know why but I don’t think it’s as easy for a White guy to approach a Black woman as it is for a White woman to approach a Black man (or vice versa).  I don’t know why that is – fear, intimidation or lack of interest. 

Overall, I think a combination of my location and societal norms are the reason I haven’t done much dating on the other side of the tracks.   I shared some of this with my mother back then and that still rings true. 

I even was tickled when a White (male) friend of mine asked me if Black women are as “crazy” as White women (because he was thinking of dating a sista) and I really couldn’t answer that because I hate feeding into stereotypes (like the “bitter black woman” syndrome that some Black men blame for them choosing to date interracially).

Like I said, I consider myself pretty open to anyone … I don’t discriminate but I am picky.  I just want to find someone who treats me well, and I prefer that he initiate things … I’m old school like that.  Blame my Daddy (lol).  

Hopefully a change in one of my barriers will spark some “Something New” and expand my dating pool.  I’m moving to NYC soon and hope to change that.  I know I’ll be a novelty there as well (being Southern), but hopefully men are more forward, more genuine and more interested in a real connection that satisfying a fantasy.   Then maybe I won’t have to answer that question anymore and the interracial divide will be no more. 

:) 

Two Little Words ....

I'd just posted on Facebook the other day that there are two little words that will shut a brother down QUICK in this dating game -- I'M CELIBATE.

For MOST men, those two words will initiate a defense mechanism that will cause them to eliminate themselves from any further dating pursuits.   A small number of men will see it as a green-light challenge to be the first man to make you break that vow.

I have so many stories of both instances ... the flight from and the fight to break my chastity.   Each and every time it renews my vow to lock it up until someone decides I'm worth locking down.

The latest came via text message.

A homeboy tells his homeboy was checking me out on a social network and asked for my number.  I approve the exchange and the guy texts me ...

Him: So what's up can we chill tonight? 
Me: I don't even know you ... 
Him: Well that's how we get to know each other. 
Me: Ok, but just a word of caution, I'm abstinent
Him: Oh. Ok ... 
(pause) 
Him: So wait, you don't do ANY kind of sexual activities?
Me: Nope, unless you count kissing ... 

*texts cease and desist* 


LOL ... and another one bites the dust :)

Me ... Prude??

Soooo my morning begins with a (5:12 am) text from a guy I've been holding (mostly text) conversations with for about two weeks now.  


We met on a social network but had a happenstance meeting at a local event.  He was attractive and intelligent and though he seemed to not be on the same level (as far as relationships) and had a problem with my abstaining from sex, we both agreed to be open and see how things goes.   


Now -- He's a little judgmental, a bit of a drinker, an avid weed smoker, gambler, a bit touchy-feely and is actively sexing two women -- but agreed to respect me and my decision to do none of those things.   Finally thought after a few bumps in communication we'd finally leveled off.  




Then this morning I get a text that says: 

"You're a cool gal, u just might be a tad bit of a prude. I don't think that works for me."


This came just a few hours after I rejected his invitation to "come by" (at nearly 1 am).   Now, I may be abstinent, but I'm not naive ... C'mon son.   I'm not just "coming by" after midnight.   But aside from that, I'm not going to someone's house that I've only been around once and barely know ... in the middle of the night!   Mama didn't raise no fool!


I have a rule.  I don't visit or allow visitors after 10 pm (the only exception EVER made was for men who worked swing shift, 2-11).    This is not the case with him.  He gets off well before the sun sets and has made no attempt to visit or hang out in private or public.   I'd even asked him for this indecent proposal about when our first date would be and I was told that he'd let me know.   So I have to wait for a date but I can make late-night visits and it should be okay?  No sir.  Not ya girl.  

Those that REALLY know me, know that I'm FAR from prude. But seriously, is that what men think now? A woman being careful and selective is equal to being prudish?  When did having standards become a detriment to dating?


SMH.  Needless to say when I asked him to elaborate on his labeling me prude, he didn't have an immediate response.   If/when he does, I'll let you know.   

Intro ...

I've been wanting to do this for a long time.   To have somewhere to document my experiences in this crazy dating world.  Some five years single now and over the age of 30, I have a LOT of stories to tell ... And with all that I've been through, I could be a very bitter woman, but I still (somewhere deeeeeep inside) believe there is someone out there for me --- waiting for us to cross paths.   Until that happens though, I plan to share all that I'm going through along the way.   Thanks in advance for reading.  And to those that may be subjects of these posts --- I apologize in advance, but will do my best to protect your "honor" :)