I was asked (yet again) today if I dated White
men. I don’t know why people, who aren’t
White, ask me that … but it seems to be a general question when the subject of
dating comes up with anyone trying to figure out why I’m single.
I remember a while (probably some years) ago, my mom
and I were talking about my dating situation.
She’d finally stopped asking if there was a man in my life after I’d
shared some of my dating horror stories.
On this particular day she was expressing that maybe I should start
dating outside the box – older men, non-professionals, etc … and then she hit
me with “You ever thought about dating a White man?”.
Of course I have, but it’s just a strange suggestion
coming from someone is clearly “old-school” (born in the 40s) and often has
many crude things to say about Whites … but I guess when it comes to trying to
get your 30-something-and-still-single daughter down the aisle – the rules of
racial loyalty no longer apply.
I have never said I wouldn’t date outside my race. I went to private and magnet schools and had
far more non-Black boys in my class, pretty much all the way up to high school …
but my preference has always been my brown-skinned brothers.
Of course I had crushes – like the cute blue-eyed
Nick in elementary school and the dark-haired, muscular Tom in middle school …
and even now, if Channing Tatum or David Beckham (yes, I know they’re married)
gave me a second glance, I’d at least cop a feel lol. But in the greater scheme of things – I want
what I want … I prefer brothas. That probably
has to do with the fact that I have yet to meet a non-Black man I connect
with.
I went out on a few dates with an Italian guy who
cooked me authentic cuisine on our 2nd date … but the weird part was
that he was trying so hard to prove his ethnicity (and by that I mean his being
“down” with Black people) that I couldn’t get to know HIM. I think it was that textbook I-grew-up-around-Blacks-so-that’s-what-I-know
syndrome, but it was such a turn-off so I had to let him go.
Another military guy, who was Puerto-Rican, and I
had a few dates as well but it was more physical than anything. I don’t think we had much in common beyond
that.
There have also been (on the many dating sites I’ve
frequented) a plethora of non-Black men (mostly older … like WAY older) who’s
attention I caught. Most times, after he
confirmed that I was okay with dating a non-Black man, we conversed and often
times he made that kiss-of-death statement “I’ve always wanted to date a Black
woman”. (Sigh)
Now there are some who ONLY date Black women and
others who have no preference and are open … but when I hear “I’ve always
wanted to …” or “I’ve always been curious” or some other inference to the
desire to test the taboo waters. Then I
immediately start feeling like some plantation fantasy and am turned off.
I don’t want to be some novelty or social experiment
in an interracial fantasy. Some say
Black women have programmed DNA from our ancestral slaves to be loyal to the
Black man and fear the White man. I don’t
know if that’s the case.
I don’t favor every Black man, just the ones I’m
attracted to – and the same goes for non-Black men. I like what I like. But I will say that I’m more picky when a man
is not Black, because of all that comes with it --- respecting not only
differences in personality but differences in culture and being able to face
(together) what society may throw at us (and even our future kids).
I want a man like my father – a strong Black
man. But if I find someone I’m attracted
to, who is a man of faith and strong in worth ethic, personality and supports
and cares for me … I don’t care what his ethnic background is …
I also think part of the reason I haven’t dated many
non-Black men may be my location. I’m
along the Bible Belt and a state within the “Old” South. Most Black men date all races, but White men
and Black women – not so much. Where I
am it’s much more common to see a non-Black Woman and Black Man than the reverse
combination. It’s still sort of taboo in
some areas but not uncommon to see.
I’ve never been approached, in person, by a White
guy ever. Yes, a drunken cat-call on
Bourbon Street during a visit to New Orleans, but not a real deal “What’s up, I’m
interested in you” approach.
The ones
that were interested were online connections.
I don’t know why but I don’t think it’s as easy for a White guy to
approach a Black woman as it is for a White woman to approach a Black man (or
vice versa). I don’t know why that is –
fear, intimidation or lack of interest.
Overall, I think a combination of my location and
societal norms are the reason I haven’t done much dating on the other side of
the tracks. I shared some of this with my mother back then
and that still rings true.
I even was tickled when a White (male) friend of
mine asked me if Black women are as “crazy” as White women (because he was
thinking of dating a sista) and I really couldn’t answer that because I hate
feeding into stereotypes (like the “bitter black woman” syndrome that some
Black men blame for them choosing to date interracially).
Like I said, I consider myself pretty open to anyone
… I don’t discriminate but I am picky. I
just want to find someone who treats me well, and I prefer that he initiate
things … I’m old school like that. Blame
my Daddy (lol).
Hopefully a change in one of my barriers will spark
some “Something New” and expand my dating pool.
I’m moving to NYC soon and hope to change that. I know I’ll be a novelty there as well (being
Southern), but hopefully men are more forward, more genuine and more interested
in a real connection that satisfying a fantasy. Then maybe I won’t have to answer that
question anymore and the interracial divide will be no more.
:)
